Volga River Cruise, Part II: “I Look Like I’m Wearing A Red Condom For My Head”

The next day we had a lot of time on the boat before we docked in Kazan, so we all headed up to the deck to enjoy the sun and the beautiful scenery we passed by on the river. Jon brought up Russian scrabble for some people to play and others played the card game Durak (fool), which I only learned to play on the train ride back to Moscow. A bunch of us Moscow kids and some Russians decided to play charades, but to make it Russian charades, which severely limited our vocabulary. We acted out things like “babushka” (grandma, or just an old woman in general), Tseretelli (this crazy Georgian artist who makes tacky sculptures all over Moscow, the names of movies, some of our teachers from university, and then Annabel acted out Carlos but pretending to rub an imaginary person’s arm. Carlos is very touchy-feely with men and women, and we all put up with it for a while but now people are starting to say something, which just makes it even funnier. Jon wanted to play, so I told him to act out “Rysalka” (mermaid). It was a little sub-par, more like a fish sitting down, but it was good for Jon. After charades it was time for our lecture with our geography teacher. All three city groups had to attend, and our geography teacher talked about Tatarstan (the region) and Kazan (the city) that we were about to visit. My interest quickly waned, so I instead drew a picture of the back of Anton’s head, because he was sitting in front of me and blocking my view of the lecture visuals. It surprisingly came out pretty good for being on graph paper with a pen. After what seemed like forever, the lecture finished and we all went back to our rooms to get our bags and coats so we could head out into Kazan.

We all headed out to the tour buses, with Moscow going in one bus and Vladimir and St. Pete going in the other. Erika, Paige, Allison, Kat, and I decided to sit in the five seats across the far back of the tour bus, instead of the pairs of seats on either sides of the aisle. We laughed the entire time, cracking jokes and telling stories. It felt like we were in middle school and it was the cool kids’ section. When we finally got out of the bus, we stopped at the Kazan Kremlin. Kazan was probably my favorite city. It has a strong Islamic influence, so all the architecture has a Middle-Eastern influence. It’s stunning. Of course at the kremlin, there were a bajillion wedding parties. One in particular featured bridesmaids with silver, tight dresses that looked like metallic trashbags. It was pretty hot. We walked over to a beautiful blue and white mosque, and the tour guide said we were going in. That’s when I saw all the girls pulling scarves out of their bags and I realized I needed to cover my head and hadn’t brought anything for the occasion. Panicked, I asked Jon if I needed t cover my head. At first he said no, and then realized what I was asking, and said, yes of course. Everyone else had hoods or hats and I had nothing. Luckily (or not so luckily, as it turned out) Big Ben had his red bandana thing that he wears around his neck that he let me borrow. It’s the same shape and stretchiness and a leg warmer, except it’s made out of thin material and you wear it in a circle around your neck and it keeps it warm and looks like a bandana tied around your throat. Well, I fanagled it so it covered all my hair, but it ended up looking ridiculous. I basically looked like an alien with no hair and a really long neck, and everyone couldn’t help but laugh when looking at me. Of course, a million people took my pictures, so I’m sure it’ll be gracing facebook sometime soon. I gave Big Ben this sad look and said, “It’s like a red condom for my head,” which made him laugh more. The mosque was absolutely beautiful, but it was hard to hear what the tour guide was saying because my ears were being completely covered by the bandana. When we finally left the mosque, I thanked Big Ben for the red head condom and told him I never wanted to borrow it again. Of course, the next stop on our tour was to a Russian Orthodox church, where you also have to cover your head, but luckily Erika had a hood on her sweatshirt and used that and let me use her scarf. The church was beautiful as well, with icons covering the wall, and the whole place smelling of incense while a choir sang on the altar. We went into another church and then walked around the kremlin, with its beautiful towers and buildings. We even saw the tower where, as legend has it, Ivan the terrible was supposed to marry a Tatar princess, and she told him she’s only marry him if he built the tallest tower in the land in a week. She didn’t think he could do it, but he did, so the night before the wedding she threw herself off the top of the tower and that was the reason Ivan the Terrible destroyed Tatarstan, out of vengeance. We had a really short time after the tour to explore the main pedestrian street of Kazan before we had to get back on the bus. Everyone looked so different from Moscow, and then we realized it was because they were smiling. I definitely want to go back next semester and explore some more. It was my favorite city of the trip.

That night Kat and I invited a bunch of the girls in our room to drink because we had more space as a double than those in the quads. We all shared wine, champagne, and beer, and discussed how sexually frustrated we all were, with no boys around to hit on. The boys in our program are so sweet and funny, but we are all like brothers and sisters, which I guess is great for learning and friendship, but really boring on the romance front. Kat was complaining how hard it was not having any prospects, and Paige just turned around and said, “I haven’t told you about my sexy dream with Hanson, have I?” We said no and got very wide-eyed. Paige goes, “Well, it was about two weeks in and it’s been a while, you know, and one night I had a dream that Hilary, Erika, and I were at a concert and we ended up meeting the Hanson brothers, and I was having sex with the oldest one (and I don’t even think they are cute!) and then my host mom walked in and started yelling at me. Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. God, I am so desperate right now.” We all agreed that it was going to be a LONG eight months. Then Allison mentioned owning Harry Potter cards, to which we replied she must show them to us. They were from the fourth movie and each card had a scene from the movie. Erika told us Paige could tell fortunes, so Paige proceeded to make up fortunes by passing out the cards face down and saying “This is who you will marry,” “You will throw this one off the boat,” etc. Apparently I’m supposed to marry a crazy man in a cage and Kat is meant to throw Dumbledore off the boat. After our fortunes, we went up to the deck of the ship and joined everyone for drinks. Paige and Erika had this terrible tasting honey beer, which was more like honey hard alcohol, and Matt, Mikel, Daniel and Grey were drinking “Ohota” this really cheap, disgusting bear that comes in a plastic bottle and is the highest alcohol percentage you can have before it stops being considered beer. We aren’t allowed to bring vodka or other hard liquor on the boat, so the boys were just trying to get the best bang for their buck. At one point the geography teacher, who was also a little drunk started asking us why we were drinking what we were drinking. When it came to me, I tried to explain in Russian that I was drinking Baltika Lite (Baltika being Russia’s cheap generic beer) because I didn’t want to get fat, but I pronounced the word for fat wrong and it came out like Tolstoy, the author. Everyone laughed and the geography teacher pronounced that I was a little “choot-choot” which is hard to translate, but in this context means a little drunk. Sadly, at that point I wasn’t, I just always mix up the stress for fat and for Tolstoy. Later I did get a little drunk, especially after helping Paige finish off her honey beer, which did not taste as bad three beers in. At one point Matt dared me to lick Big Ben’s ear, and I actually tried, but did not only because I couldn’t reach that high. Mikel was a flirting machine, spinning in circles when he went from one girl to the next, especially concentrating on a St. Petersburg girl who I named “Carrie Fisher” from her resemblance to Princess Leia. I also recall the RD from St. Petersburg and a girl from the St. Pete program all of a sudden touching Matt’s hair, to see what it would feel like (he gets that a lot, as his hair is super curly and blond). The RD proclaimed it felt like goat’s fur, and Matt was slightly insulted. Kat and I went to bed with the room still spinning, but all and all it had been a good night.

The next morning was not so pleasant. I woke up at 6:00 am to take a shower and actually made it all the way to undressing and pulling the curtain around half the bathroom, when a wave of nausea swept over me and I thought “Whoa, I can not do this right now.” It also didn’t help that I was on a boat and it was rocking back and forth. I wrapped my towel around me and went in our little hall by the closet and lay down on the ground. Kat was not awake yet, but I really didn’t care either way. After about 5 minutes, I felt ready for attempt number two. After my successful second time in the shower that morning, Kat and I headed out to our excursion in Ulyanovsk. Ulyanovsk, formerly Cimbirsk (as all Russian cities have gone through at least 4 name changes since 1900), is the birthplace of Lenin so of course it was practically Leninapalooza. Our tour guide was like “This is where Lenin went to school. This is where Lenin walked to school. This is where Lenin occasionally stopped to throw out some trash.” It was bordering on the absurd. Because Carlos was late to get on the tour bus, the tour guide woman decided to make him her “special assistant.” He had to write down everything important she said and take pictures and at every stop she would ask, “Carlos, Carlos, where is Carlos? He should write this down.” Jon just egged it on by telling Carlos what questions to ask the woman. We all thought it was pretty hilarious, myself especially, because he had given me a really hard time about the red head condom the day before. On our way over to our first (yes, there was more than one) Lenin museum, there was a pretty epic monument featuring one man holding up a sign on a post with an icon on it, and another riding a horse to victory. Annabel asked our tour guide for the number on the post she was holding which indicated our group, and I couldn’t figure out why until I looked over at the monument and she, Daniel Potts, and Mikel were recreating the monument right in front of it, with Annabel being the man with the icon, Daniel being the horse, and Mikel riding him. It was fantastic. I don’t personally have the picture of it, but I will try my hardest to steal it from someone, just for your enjoyment.

After the first Lenin Museum, which told us about Lenin’s House, we then got back on the bus to go to Lenin’s House. It was a tiny little place on a quiet street. It was pretty moldy inside, although I only know this because Julia is highly allergic to mold and her eyes were incredibly bloodshot. All the rooms were set up like there were when Lenin lived there. It was basically like, here is where Lenin’s dad wrote his letters, here is where Lenin slept, and here is where his 5 brothers and sisters slept. We saw Lenin’s backyard, complete with a croquet set (what a bourgeois pastime! Gasp!), and walked through Lenin’s garden. Then our geography teacher proceeded to quiz us on the kind of trees and shrubbery around us, as if we possessed the vocabulary to identify a linden tree or a flowering bush in Russian. On the way back to our bus, we witnessed a pretty frightful sight. There was a woman facedown on the sidewalk, her face in the leaves, and her legs bent at such an odd angle that I thought she was dead. Wouldn’t that have put a damper on the trip. We all got on the bus, but from the window, we could see random men crowding around her. Finally one of them lifted her head and there was blood dripping from. I was really convinced now that she was dead, but she started twitching and moving, and someone got a cloth to wipe her face off with. Before we left, I could see the men helping her up and walking her somewhere, presumably to get help. I guess she must have tripped on the sidewalk and hit her head really hard, but it was incredibly scary. If there was anywhere I would be likely to see a dead body, it would definitely be in Russia.

Back on the boat, it was the nicest day yet, about 80 degrees and impossibly sunny. Paige, Erika, Allison, and I all got out lounge chairs and slept in the sun. Katie, Julia, Jen, and Jenna joined us in our little corner of the boat. The better looking boys from the St. Pete group were behind us, sitting without shirts us and joking “we should totally charge admission.” Modesty. How refreshing. After acquiring more freckles on my face, we all went inside for our “special tour” of the captain’s quarters and engine room. It’s the kind of thing that elderly tourists eat up, but we were kind of like, WTF are you saying, as we unfortunately lacked nautical vocabulary, and also, it’s super hot in here, can we move on yet? The engine was room was kind of cool, as they led us through the grated area by all the roaring machines. After the tour, Jen and I were craving sodas, so we bought some from the bar and we and Allison went and got cookies to share from our rooms. We had a little cookie sharing table (in Russia, you share food all the time. I’ve begun to buy more than I want because I know I won’t be the only one eating the food), and Jon came by and I offered him a cookie, and he gave us a strange look and asked what was wrong with them. We then realized Jon didn’t trust us giving him food. As if we’d poison him that blatantly. Give us more credit. After cookie sharing came dance lesson time. The dance teacher on board was a woman who gives lessons in Moscow at my school and taught Jon to dance for his wedding this past summer. I guess part of her getting to come on the trip was agreeing to give us lessons. That night it was the Cha Cha. Almost all the students showed up, with a surprising number of bys turning out. The teacher chose this really tall, creepy guy from St. Pete to be her partner, because he had formal ballet training. The boy, Cain, introduces himself as “Cain, you know, like the world’s first killer.” Apparently he’s really sweet and like a giant teddy bear, but he gives me too much of a Jack Nicholson in The Shining vibe. We all had to partner up, and before I could get stuck with an awkward partner, I grabbed Jan, because I felt both comfortable and non-threatened by him. Well, as it turns out, Jan is a phenomenal cha-cha dancer. His little shoulders get moving to the beat and his hips sway from side to side. It was so much fun, and now I can say that I know how to cha cha. Nice.

That night somehow I found my way down to Ben Beresford’s room, where basically all the Moscow students were congregating. Jon had said it was impossible to fit more than 14 people in the cabins, but we had about twenty. It was so cute, with four of us sitting on each bottom bunk, a couple people on the top bunks, and then various people sitting on chairs in any free space left in the room. We were all joking and laughing, with Julia bringing up the fact that were was a drink at the bar called a “fantastic orgasm.” Of course, as is his superhero ability, Jon pops up out of nowhere whenever you A) are saying something about him or B) are saying something awkward. So Jon came in just as Julia was talking about giving someone a fantastic orgasm (the drink). Jon told us we were being too loud and we should probably close the door. We just figured he’d come to yell at us for all drinking in one room and being noisy, but then he went to close the door, with him still inside the room. I think we all got this look on our faces like, oh shit, party’s over. But then Jon proceeds to lean on the wall and told us that everyone was saying what a great group we are, how nice and respectful we are and how we like to just have good, clean fun. We were so surprised he said this and we felt all warm and fuzzy inside. He then told us we were a lot better than some of his other years, where he had absolute horror stories. And then, with his awkward grin on his face, Jon asked is we wanted to hear some of the stories. Of course we all said yes like a bunch of schoolchildren at story time, and then Jon told us some pretty shocking stories, probably more from the fact it was him telling us them, than the actual content. Some things are sacred (even for me) so I will only tell you one of the Jon stories that was related during Jon story hour. Apparently Jon’s first year being an RD, he took the group on a trip to St. Petersburg. He was checking on all the coupes (because they actually sprang for them back them), when he got to the last coupe and it was locked. He knocked on the door, and the students inside said just a minute. About 5 minutes late they unlocked the door, and Jon went inside to find them all completely naked and drunk. It was three boys and three girls, and nothing sexual was going on, they just really thought it would be fun to travel to St. Petersburg naked. Jon just told them to stay in their room and not leave and to think about putting clothes on soon because the train was arriving in half an hour. Jon left and came back 15 minutes later and they were still not dressed. He had to beg them too put their clothes on, and they promised they would, so he left again. A few minutes later Jon heard a scream. Apparently one of the drunk boys had left the room to pee (sans clothing, of course) and the conductor, a woman had seen him and screamed, causing more Russian women to see what was wrong and scream too. And that was one of the tamer stories. All I have to say is, wow. Jon has lived through some pretty outlandish experiences. After story time with Jon commenced, we all went up to the bar feeling like we’d broken some new ground with him. In the bar, they had an older man playing cheesy early 90s songs on his keyboard, and by playing, I mean moving his fingers to those prerecorded songs the keyboard comes programmed with. But at this point we were all drunk/ warm and fuzzy from Jon story hour, so all of us Moscow kids got up on the dance floor and danced out little hearts out to The Police and Madonna. Big Ben pulled out some sweet dance moves circa 1982, and at one point Mikel and Anton had a brief dance-off in the middle of the circle. It was so much fun. After the music commenced (the player’s bedtime was 10:30) we headed out to the deck. In the bar I had been talking with a boy from St. Petersburg named David who had been on the Lenin tour with us. I think I picked the wrong person to talk to, because he was really intense about our conversation, and when I left to go to the bathroom, he apparently was asking everyone where I had gone. Out on the deck, I rejoined David so I could meet some of the other St. Pete kids. As we were talking, Jon came over and I said hi, and he couldn’t tell who I was, so with the camera that never leaves his side, he took a picture in my face so he could see who I was. Jon then threatened to take more pictures, and we said no, and then he told me not to be bad. I think that was his idea of joking. Jon was joking now. Progress.